What It Looks Like

What it looks like for me to be depressed, down in my hole.

Now more than ever friends of mine are seeing as my family already has... what it looks like.
To you perhaps it doesn't look like something so much as it looks like the absence of anything, no presence, no communication, radio silence, a radar scope with no hits.

I will try in this post to add some information to this void, by sharing what it looks like from my perspective.

I would like to have titled this post, "What it Feels Like", however I cannot really say how it feels. When I am down in my hole I am disconnected from feeling anything at all. Mostly I am trying to block/disconnect from feelings of shame/inadequacy/failure.
It is sometimes a conscious choice but more often than not it is a reflexive 'self-protection' process whereby negative emotions are sensed triggering almost immediate blockage.

The mechanism of blockage is not selective, it is a complete shutdown. A mindless dull place. Habits I frequently use to perpetuate this mindless dull state include masturbation, binge eating, reading wikipedia or a book, watching TV shows or documentaries, closed-eye fantasies and sleep.

Movies seems to be a bad choice because the magic of a movie is that it triggers emotions in you.
This past month I did watch Steven Spielberg's AI: Artificial Intelligence, which is a real tear-jerker in its drawn out finale. Emotion definitely came through for me, however it wasn't a torrent like Niagara Falls it was like spurts of water rising through a crack in the ice during the spring thaw.  
Communication requires awareness to process and respond, touching it breaks down the armor and allows feeling to reenter. Thus talking and engaging are the most helpful things. The instrument of blockage knows this, thus it keeps me away from communication as it keeps me away from meditation and anything else that might break it away.

The past few days, slowly coming to (thank you to everyone who I have allowed in to help), I have seen this even more clearly, engaging in moments of awareness of body sensations I cannot help but be aware of everything else I have blocked, mainly feelings of shame and thoughts of real world responsibilities.

So for me it is not endless crying or physical pain, it is endless dullness and lack of sensation, lack of awareness of all the things we are normally aware of.

I am capable to rejoin the world of my own impetus, usually If I have some obligation to which I feel attached. For example, I once spent a good few weeks down in my hole before I got back up because of a Bike Tour I had planned was looming and I had much to do to prepare. Another example from a couple of winters ago, it would not be uncommon for me to shut down for a few days until the 43 minutes I needed to get up and make it to work on time. Sometimes these jolts will move me in a new direction, sometimes I fall right back in my hole.

Other times It seems like it runs its course because it is so boring to be endlessly dull that the craving for feeling overwhelms the protective shutdown.

One thing it isn't is constant mental voices of shame and failure, they may come from time to time but are almost entirely blocked. In the past I was less practiced at shutting down and these negative voices would arise more. It could be that I generate these negativities less than I once did.  Maybe they are still there in equal measure. Sometimes I feel them below the surface (i.e. without thinking them) and it will cause me to thrash for a few seconds.

Another thing that isn't present are thoughts of suicide or self-harm. These used to come up for me in college when I was first learning to deal with depression. I think my experiencing the dharma these past couple years has removed the delusion behind these thoughts.

So I choose each moment, each hour, each day not to deal with anything: my emotions, my friends, my responsibilities. Like an unpaid credit card, the balance grows and seems more overwhelming with each deferment. It never is though.

For me, this is what it looks like.

Mostly I feel badly that I contribute to the worry and suffering for those that care about me, Also for the time I have lost, I can do so much in an hour... and yet I lose months out of the year.

I Love You All, even if you don't know me or I don't know you, even if you're not reading this post, I Love You.